Torn Page 10/11: 17days to go

17 days to go and a new life will spring. The biggest change so far, the most anticipated twist of my entire life. Ever since i have this idea of becoming a fully independent. i have to be ready in mind, body, heart and soul. I’d be going to Dubai this Nov. 27, 2014! The start of my journey where i have to tell my grandchildren how i handle life on my own. After i resign with Jollibee foods, everyday i constantly evaluate my life like how productive i am, did i have financials enough to support my parents, what are my aspirations, what i become in my 25 years of existence. Sometimes i feel so excited building my dreams, preparing myself for good things to come but of course, there’s a thought of resisting change. The hardest part of saying goodbye most especially to loved ones. The breaking of emotional walls and stretching out from comfort zones, the taking risk of handling life alone, being wise as necessary as dictated by the situation.. I’ve been setting my mind almost everyday until the big day. I’ve been dreaming every single night that i’m already sleeping under the roof of Dubai. Been practicing on how to handle myself if ever i miss my pet Chong2 or ate’s Chibika, Oh God! will definitely miss the stinky smell of dogs! The noise of their radiating barkings. How i will miss my left out clothes, jeans, shorts and preppy things. The smell of the bahay kubo along the rice fields, where we used to jog. The thought that i will never spend a whole-year in this place ever again.

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How i will miss my ate, our nightly move marathon, being crazy singing/dancing to Beyonce songs, our gala with the cuzins, mama’s regular calls. The gangs- Amabel,Gagang and Jane. I’m such a cry baby. So much things i have to miss. And such are those i’ve been with doing since the time. This idea of coming out, be my own driver of my life, its really scary if i’m not prepared. I have to admit these are the times of me becoming carnal and relying everything on my human mind/experiences.

This past times my weak faith with God has really put me in trouble -the thought of wishing and shouting to the universe that i can do all things instead of doing it through Christ.I think this will be our journey together and i believe He will never forsake me. In part, i’m afraid of His plans not conforming to mine and such that not realizing His greater plans  for me.The thought of separating from my comfort zones and exploring life alone is exciting and scary in equal measure. But this change will surely drawn me closer to Him as He is the only one i could turn to. As the day goes by before my flight, He keeps on reminding me the lessons i should always always remember and also He equips me with the guidance i need to achieve His plans.

I remember the incident just last Saturday, it awakens my egoistic faults particularly my working ethics. I have blocked Mama’s ATM pin by pressing it incorrectly three times. My immediate reaction is that i’m stupid. …some text missing. That incident really struck me. What i did to her will only worsen the situation. She have to pay bills and deal with this intimidating and misunderstanding client. How on earth I’ve caused such stupid mistake. i act like i’m all-knowing. and by these i feel people can trick me easily which is sad and horrible. The lesson i learn by all of these is simply to be skeptical. I know it since it is the nature of my profession. Ask when in doubt. Always check things. Don’t run over in a blink. So that day we got home without fulfilling her goal. I’m ashamed of myself that up to now i still cant get her street smart skills. i always admire my Mama. Not in a single time she was constantly trick by a customer, never even labeled as easy to trap. She can always go through issues with grace. Me on the other hand, still has to handle my temper, quick judgments and jumpin on conclusions. i always make that and it always caused me in trouble. I just hope i’ll never carry it with me in this new chapter. Oh God! Enlighten me always…

Love,

LotLot,25

Nov.10, 2014

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About larrythess

Currently working in the Emirate of Abu Dhabi as CPA. My profession never tells me who i am until i fangirl, read books, watch movies and do long night preppy talks over the internet. My ultimate dream is to own an empire. char! Began writing personal journals since 2000, eventually open this blog to publish the torn pages. Memories are my foods and I’d like to think that i have words smartly uttered.
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