9:30am at Mcdo Ketkai. So i’m having this really bad morning. i know where it all started and i would say, its no big deal at all. But i dont know where the pain came from. The hurtful feelings i had now is surprising for me. Here’s what happen; my food were eaten by Ate Alou’s pet dog Roro (male dog meets our female japanese spits for puppies, just to clear) and then i have no breakfast then. Papa and ate blame me for being shithead for letting that happen. Its really all that and i think all of my repressed hurtful feelings somehow surface in the most surprising ways. I’m caught off guard and i couldnt handle how it hurts my ego. I was being shitty and bawling and i didn’t take my breakfast anymore. I couldn’t handle how it hurts. I just blurted Y*** to myself and it feels unapologetic in that moment. Mama notice how it all comes out from my mouth and she was surprised too. But to me, it doesnt feel any different blurting that out cause its just cussing and i think i deserve that momentum.It kinda feels right and i think it all sums up my repressed emotions. Im just shaking how it really feels. Until now, my heart only feels the intensity i had this morning.
Its been shitty all along. I cried my heart out on my way to work. I couldn’t stop my tears , i couldn’t stop the pain. I thought im gonna be fine after that hour long ride but it proved me wrong. I was already in the office and i couldn’t shake away easily my hurtful wounded heart. I just wanted to hug somebody but i’m scared cause i know the moment i feel someone else soul touches mine, it would only brings tears to my eyes. I dont know why i feel so down big time yet it only boils from simple normal day. I think i could put on my straight poker face in the meantime. My officemates always perceived as the bubbly wide-smiled cheery girl but this time, i couldn’t put on the show. It somehow exuberates my mood and it will always surface how bad shot my morning is. I also thought about my encounter yesterday. Its from reckless soul, the tailor in Louisse who called me over the phone and i was shitfaced thrown with high tone voiced introduction. Also, i’m caught off guard. I’m not good into blabbing conversation with strangers. Somehow, i think its time for me to stand up and not letting any person to underestimate me. Or i guess im having such a huge ego that everytime i refuse to respond to any battle, it will only add up to my suppressed emotion. I’ve been bullied a lot,i mean all the time at the office. It’s kinda entertaining to them but i admit, it hurts me somehow. I’m not that into bullying and putting myself below to some but here i am, self-deprecatingly letting them do what they want to do over me. That’s what i think all the hurtful feelings i had now came from.
From work to house. It’s been so long since i hadn’t meditated. i haven’t talked to God for such a long time. I thought i could handle pressure by myself but no, it didn’t work the way i thought so. I.Just.Could.Not. Haven’t been to church, read my bible,or even reflect my daily routine if i’m still in the right way praising God. I’m not inspired spiritually. I just treat myself as i am. I’m into Tumblr lately and i admit they’ve been dissing my Savior and i just ignore them letting be. I haven’t defended my God and its not cool. Its wrong all along. I’ve becoming a carnal being. Believing happiness will just come naturally in one’s life if we chooses to. But happiness comes from God cause only in God i know i did the right thing and choose pure happiness. Only in Him, i can do all things. Much have been stored in my human mind; repressed memories/ feelings, huge ego, irrational thinking, life view and societal impact, good mantra (which i dont know what it is for me). Sometimes i’m afraid of my mind.Sometimes i cant trust it and wanted to just let my heart ruled in a beat.